I went to church on Sunday. For those that know me, know that I am not really of the church-going type… but for those that follow me on Instagram know that I’m going through a very. VERY. rough spot in my marriage right now, as well. My marriage has been on very rocky ground for several years now, but still the blow that the end is lurking near has sent me spiraling and gasping for air along the way. I have a dear friend who has been through some pretty gnarly situations in her marriage, as well, who has stood by her phone every waking hour for my every text. She has checked in on me on some days by the hour, and has listened/read EVERY crazy thought that has come into my mind. If I needed an alibi, she would likely be that person for me. She is in far too deep, but I’m not sure if I could have survived the last month of my life without her.
So, when this dear friend invited me to church this last Sunday… and by invited I mean, gave me 6 different start times to choose from… offered her husband for babysitting services… and promised me vodka and valium as an after-church-treat… I knew that she had my best interest at heart. I also knew that I’m willing to do almost anything to find some clarity, and be able to catch my breath for the first time in weeks.
I would consider myself an iffy-religious-based person, at best. I have a hard time with the parameters of Christianity, and I like the idea of simply being a good human more than I like the idea of organized religion. So, when the service started and it was HEAVY on the Bible verses and stories of the resurrection (since we’re nearing Easter), I could have chosen to skip out mentally, but I didn’t. The message of the service was still very loud and clear to me because of the way that the preacher? bishop? priest? delivered the power of her words. She spoke of the night before the crucifixion… the time spent in Gethsemane. She did a fantastic job of relating that to real life, and the message was that in the most deafening times of your life — when everything you know has been crushed — something magnificent can come from the pain, if you let it. She gave examples of bread being crushed and turning to grain, grapes to wine, and olives to precious oil. She said that if you allow this time and pressure to create something beautiful, exactly that will happen.
I am hoping with every part of my being that what can come of this crushing time in my life is a better, stronger, and healthier marriage… but I am also beginning to accept the fact that if that doesn’t happen, then the beauty of this awful time will be a better, stronger, and healthier version of myself. Actually… that is going to happen either way… I just hope it is a better, stronger, healthier STILL MARRIED version of myself.
Thank you, everyone… for all the love and support that I have received. Countless hours of service from friends, text messages from wonderful people, and lines of support from complete strangers have been shared with me, and I am forever grateful to all of you.
Photo credit: Shannon Elizabeth Photography Makeup credit: Amelia C. & Co.