Crap. Okay, this is going to be short because… quite frankly… I forgot about blogging today, and I was already cozy and warm in my bed, and got seriously angry about moving from that spot. But I also remembered that I had forgotten to move our f*cking elf… so here I am blogging, and planning our elf’s next big adventure… which led me to the story that I am going to share with you this evening.
I failed as a parent. Massively.
In hopes of keeping the identity of this child anonymous… for the sake of their dignity and self-worth as an adult… I’m going to try to tell this story without giving any indication of which child actually committed this atrocity.
No, screw it… it was Hudson. Hudson’s inability to think logically led to my parenting demise.
Back up a tiny bit to a couple nights ago. It was quiet in the house, with the exception of my tapping keyboard. I worked on emails, blogging, some album designs, and some wedding day timelines. This is normal for me, because I run my business when my kids are asleep. Fraser was out with one of his buddies, so moving our Elf on the Shelf, was left completely on my shoulders. But. let’s be honest… I always move that freaking elf. On this particular night, though, I was out of ideas and went to the internet for some research, when BINGO! There was an article about what happens when Dad’s are left the duty of moving the elf. The examples were hilarious. I clearly share the same type of humor as crude men. There came an example of an elf who had been placed on an empty jar with a Hershey Kiss plopped on the bottom… the elf had a miniature magazine in his hands, and a roll of miniature toilet paper had been rolled up next to him and suspended with a cord. The scene was set for the elf to be doing his magical #2 business… and we obviously all know that elves shit Hershey Kisses, right? Right.
It was brilliant. My kids looooove anything to do with any form bathroom humor. One can literally blow a raspberry into their elbow and my pea-brained boys will be rolling with laughter. Obviously the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree since I found this set up so hilarious, as well.
But the problem came in because I got lazy. I didn’t want to put in the work to set up the scene using a nice vintage jelly jar on my counter… so I placed our elf, whose name is Hiko, right on the guest bathroom toilet so that the first thing the boys would see when they went pee the next morning was Hiko… pooping his Hershey Kiss poops. I expected riotous laughter. I expected to be woken up with cheers of elation, belly laughs, and hilarity. Rather, I was woken up with screeches of terror because after the children had seen Hiko on the toilet, the dog came running in and snatched him from the seat, and ran through the house with him in his mouth.
Crisis averted… I rescued Hiko, and placed him safely on the counter and settled the nerves of all the boys. Yes, Hiko still has his magic. No, Santa isn’t going to be mad at us. I don’t know what would have happened if Cooper ate him, but we don’t have to worry because Mommy saved him. Yaddy yaddy ya.
This wasn’t where my parenting decisions were questioned. This incident with the dog was child’s play compared to what came later in the day when I finally started asking some questions.
When we were driving later, I started asking about what the kids saw in the bathroom that morning. I was probing to see if they found it hysterical that Hiko was on the toilet… and if they had figured out that he was actually performing magical #2 duties. I wanted some validation for my work. Alas, they hadn’t made the connection. They had no clue that elves poop Hershey Kisses, which is obviously a HUGE parenting fail in and of itself that I had not taught them this fact… but what I didn’t expect to hear next was that my EIGHT YEAR OLD. Yes, 8… year… old… had seen the Hershey Kiss in the toilet, and not only had he seen the Hershey Kiss, but he had done what any child in a family with more than one kid would do when they see a morsel of candy out for the taking.
Yes, he did what you’re thinking. He scooped up that magical poop and ate it before either of his brothers were the wiser.
But don’t worry he told me in the car… “Don’t worry, Mom… none of the water had even touched it.”
Well then… glad we cleared that up… because clearly…. the thing that I was worried about getting on your FOOD in our TOILET was the water. Clearly.