My taxi driver walked up my sidewalk this morning and scared the shit out of me when he said hello. I didn’t expect for him to get out of his car since the taxi company had called to tell me that he was outside waiting for me. He laughed and apologized for startling me, and then told me that he had tried to knock on the door but didn’t want to ring the bell because he figured I had kids that were sleeping. I laughed and sarcastically chortled… did the mega-mom-SUV in the driveway tip you off? He bantered back by throwing out that most people don’t drive that large of an SUV for the looks of it. Touché, taxi man, touché. But, never one to back down from some witty exchanged, I delivered my motherhood-mission-statement; I refuse to let my kids steal my swagger, so at least it’s better than a minivan. To me, a minivan is the equivalent of womanly castration. It’s the dad version of socks and sandals, times fifty.
If you own a minivan, this post is not meant to embarrass, chastise, or even scold you. I am here as your Savior. I am here to let you know that you can still make a comeback. There are other options. You do not have to purchase a gas-guzzling environment killing beast of an SUV like I did, nor do you have to feel the incessant need to twerk on the hood of your Escalade while making a rap video like I dream of. But you do, for heavens sake, have to get your swagger back.
Look, I get it. Minivans are super efficient. I mean, their doors slide open for God’s sake, and they even close with the push of a button. But do you know what else is efficient? Fanny packs. I don’t see any of you soccer moms donning the fanny pack just because it makes your life easier, so why the four-wheeled equivalent? If your kids are young enough you’re already in the back of the car getting their carseats strapped in, so why not just shut a regular-open-from-the-hinges type of door? Also… if your kids are old enough to do up their own seat-belt then I’m guessing that there is a good chance that they have arms too. I bet they could close their own door, no?
What else? What’s appealing about a minivan? Gas mileage you say? Bull shit, I say. Small (or even midsize) SUVs can get you just as much gas mileage without having to have a nose like a dolphin and an ass like mom jeans.
In closing, I beckon you, my young-parent friends. Free yourself. Save yourself. Reclaim your womanhood, and rise up in protest against the Caravan… Quest be damned… Honda Oddy–see your ass to the junkyard!!!
**If you’re reading this, and you really do own a minivan. Please read this lightly, and know that I’m joking… but not really. I’m sure there’s a car dealership near you… ;) Save your soul!!!
Ecneimoos are in dire straits, but I can count on this!