The Shit Griffin Says

I believe that he deserves his own category on the blog.  A place where I can document all of the amazing things that roll off of his tongue; however, let it be known that Griffin has this ability to say things that, in the moment, are so insanely annoying.  It usually isn’t until later in the day when the poltergiest-of-a-parent has subsided inside of me,when I can truly reflect on the amazingness of these comments.  The latest story that comes from Griffin’s quips is from this last weekend when I traveled solo with three half-humans to New Mexico for Spring Break and Easter.

The 12 hour drive to New Mexico is daunting, but we have traveled it many times.  It is long, but it is an easy drive.  We trek across the desert of Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico, only hitting a small patch of mountains through Flagstaff.  On this trip we headed out of Nevada around 4pm.  I choose to travel at night as it is easier for me to lock-in and ‘just drive’ when all of the minions are sleeping.  So, I buy a couple of audio books, choke back some energy drinks and settle into an easy night of driving.  The drive to New Mexico was a piece of cake.  I made it in 11 hours, and even though the boys were awake for the last two hours because my bladder got the best of me right outside of Albuquerque, it was relatively painless.

The drive home; however, was a much different story.  Again, I left around 4pm in hopes that the boys would fall asleep around 7pm and sleep through the night in the car.  The thing that I didn’t anticipate was that my boys were exhausted from a full weekend of playing endlessly with their cousins.  And any parent knows that a child who is too tired… over-stimulated… won’t pass out the way an adult will.  They are cranky, and uncomfortable… sleeps comes in waves, and rest is never achieved.

So, we pull out of my parents drive way around 4pm, and it is approximately 1/4 mile until we reach the rail road tracks… but before we ever even hit the tracks, Brody was asleep.  I knew this was a problem.  I knew that this cat nap would only last an hour or two before he woke up in a formidable state of mind.

As Brody continued to sleep, I pulled over to top off with gas, and get the boys their standard road-trip treat from a convenience store on the way out of town.  Both of the older boys chose BubbleTape because their older cousins got this savory bubble gum treat in their Easter baskets, and my boys were all kinds of jealous.  Brody stayed asleep in the car as we ran into grab the road trip sustenance.  Sidebar:  Please don’t call child protective services on me… Roswell is a small town… Brody was 10 feet away from me while he slept in the car, and my eyes were fixed on the car almost the entire time we grabbed our snacks.  Plus… you know you’ve done it too, so don’t hate.

Roadies were obtained, so it was finally time to head out of town.  All of those who live in Roswell, NM… or have traveled from there to Albuquerque… you know that you haven’t actually left town until you say good bye to the Berrendo Bulldog that is painted on the water tower, and you have driven under the bridge… at that point the highway opens up, and there is a vastness filled only with yellow grass for an hour and a half before you finally reach the rickety, unkempt town of Vaughn.  It was then… as we came out from under the bridge… before his BubbleTape had even been opened that Griffin said, “Geeeez… Mawwwm… Dis is just taking way too wong…”

The fire in the pit of my stomach rumbled, but didn’t erupt.  I kept my composure to that comment, and actually laughed as I told him to settle in because we were in it for the long haul back to Nevada.  And, afterall, we had literally been in the car for 5 minutes.  But this was a foreshadowing of what was to come…


About an hour into the drive… we hadn’t even made it to Vaughn yet… Brody woke up.  Pisssssssssssed.  Pissed at me.  Pissed at the world.  And mostly… pissed at his car seat.  He screamed violently.  I held my composure, and tried to rub his leg from the front seat.  Apparently my touch made things even worse, and his screaming reached a new level.  He began to cry out in pain.  Brody’s car seat is directly behind my seat, and as he cried in pain about his arm I couldn’t see if he was actually stuck in his seat belt or hurt in any other way, and so I caved and pulled over.

It was freezing and windy out.  I got out on the side of the highway, and opened the door to the back seat letting gusts of cold air barrel into the car sending the boys into a fit of complaints about the weather and screaming for me to shut the door.  Brody was fine.  He had successfully manipulated me into thinking he was injured.  He tugged at my motherly heart strings, and when I discovered that it was all a farce, the first of the poltergiest attacks escaped from my mouth.  I was on fire.  Livid, really.  I calmed myself once I got back into the driver’s seat.  Reminding myself that he is only 2 years old and that he doesn’t know better… and damn… he is a sneaky little asshole, but at least he is good at what he does, right?

Just then… before I had fully composed myself… and before I had returned the car gear into ‘drive’ is when Griffin said… and I quote… “Dats it Mawm, dis is taking way too wong… I want out.  I’s gonna walk da west of da way home.”  And he actually undid his seatbelt and reached for the car door handle before a lunged into the back seat to stop him.

I had no choice but to laugh… which quickly put me into a better mood about the road trip… and allowed me to continue on for the next 11 hours of pure hell.