I know what is expected to be written here. It is expected that I write about how much you changed my life the moment I read ‘pregnant’ that morning in the early Spring of 2007. I am supposed to write about how much I love you, how quickly the last six years have flown by, and how much happiness you bring to my life. This is what is expected.
But I think that you and I both know that it is so much more than that. And I think that every parent out there knows that it is just so. much. more.
Throughout our days together I find you sneaking closer to me. You jump at my side until I turn to you and smile. When you know that you’ve succeeded at getting my full attention you tug on my hand as you jump, and say… “Peach, I just wanted to give you a hug and a kiss.” No matter what I’m doing, where I am, or how busy I might be; you… my little six year old boy… manage to pause my world long enough for my heart to explode. And then, as if you haven’t done anything out of the ordinary, turn away from me and go about your day. You don’t even realize that you have managed to change the course of my entire day with just one simple sentence.
When you first became a big brother I will be the first one to admit to you that it wasn’t your most shining moment. It definitely took some time to adjust to having Griffin around, and then before we knew what was happening Brodrick was added to the mix as well. It has taken you a very short period of time to grow into your role as the oldest brother, and darling, you are so amazing. When we take trips to the park you always introduce your little brothers to the other children at the park. Not just by name, but by age as well. “Dis is my brover, Griffin. He’s 2. And dis is my brover, BroBro. He’s a baby, but now he’s 1. Deez are my brovers.” What makes my chest explode with even more pride is when someone gets too close to one of these ‘brovers’ of yours. You will often put your body in between this perceived threat and your baby brother, and you will make an umbrella of sorts with your arms over their head. And then you will yell. LOUD. “Get away from my brover!!” I never correct you, even if the threat was perceived incorrectly. I tell you that you’re wonderful, because above all else, those are your brothers. Your best friends. And they will always need your protection.
You’ve gone off to kindergarten this year. And my mind has found a way to divide itself. A part of me stays with your brothers and takes care of them, and part of me goes with you. There is never a moment in my day that I’m not worried about how your day is going, how many stickers you are earning, or whether or not you ate your lunch. But more so… I worry about every little thing that could possibly happen while you’re away. What if I get in a car accident, what if there’s a terrible storm, what if something worse happens… how can I get to you? How can I make it so that you always feel safe? My mind never stops. You consume me.
So, Hudson, on this sixth birthday of yours… know that I love you with every ounce of my soul. Know that as you run towards the playground every morning my heart longs for you to come back, yet yearns for you to go have fun with your friends. Know that giving up so much of my time with you this year is absolutely one of the hardest things to do, but also know that I am so freaking proud of how you are rocking kindergarten like a boss. Know that bringing home two stickers on your daily report makes me happier than I want to admit to the internet. And above all else, know that no matter how many birthdays pass, and no matter how many milestones you reach… you are still mine. And I am still yours. You are my first born, and it is you… my son… that has forever changed my world.