My blog has been a pretty lonely place these days, and I have been lying to myself by saying that I’ve just been too busy with the new house. I have plenty of time to blog each day. I just haven’t really wanted to face my own thoughts. I’m scared to be brutally honest here on my blog because I’m heading steadfastly into the heat of Spring wedding season. I have 8 weddings and 5 engagement shoots in the next 10 weeks, and this is a really bad time to lay my thoughts out on the table, but in name of transparency… here they are… I’m struggling to find my next step, and I can feel my own unease about the work that I’m producing. I am not saying that I’m producing bad work… I am sure of myself enough to know that I document weddings beautifully… but I feel myself being pulled in a different direction, a better direction. My work needs to be better… I am longing to bring new inspiration to my images… but I also want to be doing more outside of photography, as well.
I can feel myself changing… and trying to find something… but I’m not sure what it is. That’s not true. I know exactly what my goals are, but my feet feel concreted to my office floor. I am overwhelmed by the amount of work to do in order to get to where I want to be, and instead of settling in and doing the work; I am allowing it to suffocate me. I know what my goals are, but I don’t know which small steps to take in order to get started on the path to where I want to be.
Currently, I’m working in my business… like a hamster running on a wheel… but I’m not allowing myself the time to work on my business. Instead, I’m running away from it. I’m diving into the technical work… editing photos, booking weddings, answering emails… without spending time dreaming of the big picture (pun not intended). I’m not allowing myself to really take the next step. But why? Fear. Anxiety. Laziness. A serious lack of time with a full time house of 3 boys and a business to run. But really, these are all just excuses.
For now… I decided to spend my time tonight writing this blog post… owning up to my own shit. I also edited a session that I absolutely loved from later last year. Sometimes working on something that just makes you feel good is all that you need in order to jumpstart other areas of your life.
I’d like for this post to remind me to set my alarm clock in the morning and get busy getting busy.
Styling: Ace & Whim
Florals: Sarah’s Garden Style
Venue: Tremaine Ranch