Well, here we go again. In fact, before I even get going, let me state for the record that I don't know why I do this every year - I always lose my money. Then again, I do realize that I am starting to look like I coach bowling...
BUT THE PIG IS BACK!!
And let me assure you, there are many reasons why you should join the Porky Pig Contest this year, most of which are hidden within the rolls of your plump torso. Let's start with the easy ones, shall we? The Holidays are passed, and let's face it: you ate too much and you know it. Your new clothes don't fit, your shadow's got stretch marks, and the other day your mother-in-law caught you putting mayonnaise on your toothbrush. You made some sorry New Year's resolution to lose weight when you were drunk, and by now you're already blown it off for a double Tommy Burger. Your life is in shambles, and to top it all off, you've come back to work from the big mid-year vacation only to find there's more than half a year left, and the same sweat hogs in your sixth period are back to fail a second semester. It's time to get on a plan, fattie. It's time for the Pig.
The Rules
1. The Pig is a contest where each participant attempts to lose 7% of their body weight over several weeks (i.e. a person like John Dixon who weighs in at 100 lbs. would have to lose 7 lbs. by weigh out). Contestants who make weight get their money back. Contestants who do not make weight do not get their money back. All contestants are invited to attend the Porky Pig banquet at the T-Bird Lounge on Eastern on March 19. The banquet will be paid for with the proceeds of those sorry souls who did not make weight. I open a bar tab with the loser's money, and we eat and drink until the money wears out. After that, everybody's on their own.
2. Contestants must give me a $50 check or cash at weigh in. Checks will not be cashed until after school on the day of the weigh out, and if you make weight, you get your check back. You cannot compete if you are not paid in full and weighed in by Monday, January 11, 2009 at 1:30 P.M.
3. You must be weighed in and out on the scale in boy's PE by either myself or one of the PE coaches ( Coach Goroff, Claridge, Ehrke ,or myself) Ladies who are uncomfortable with the idea of being weighed by a man can arrange to be weighed in by Coach Lawther or Coach Dickinson. You must have one of these certified witnesses present at weigh in and weigh out!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!! All contestants must wear similar clothing at weigh in and weigh out (no bulky sweatshirts and two pairs of jeans at the start and a Speedo at the end). Contestants may weigh nude, but please come armed with a serious explanation as to why exposing your body to a co-worker with the ability to speak is worth fifty dollars.
4. All contestants are expected to weigh and pay sometime between now and Monday, January 11 at 1:30 PM. All weights are rounded to the nearest 1/2 pound. All contestants will be confidentially given an individual weight that they must attain by 2:00 P.M. Friday, March 12, 2010 in order to get back their fifty bucks. IF YOU DO NOT MAKE YOUR TARGET WEIGHT FOR ANY REASON, YOUR FIFTY WILL NOT BE RETURNED AND WILL BE PUT INTO THE BAR TAB...AND YOU WILL FEEL SHAME.
5. If you are a person who does not need or want to lose any weight, but would still like to attend the party, feel free to give me $50 to put into the bar tab. Paying non-contestants are entitled to as much as they can eat and drink at the party.
6. The contest is open to anyone who can read the rules, pay me $50, and weigh on our scale. Please feel free to get your spouse involved, but please don't misconstrue that invitation as my passing of judgement on your wife's weight.
Remember: the Pig is our bridge through what is arguably the worst part of the the school year. Dealing with 170+ teenagers at the end of February is almost a fate worse than death. To do so while wallowing in a sweaty, bulging waistline is truly unthinkable. Get involved, have some fun, suffer a little bit, and have a good time at the party with your coworkers. Anybody with any questions should feel free to email me or come by the PE office anytime.
OINK, OINK.... oh geez... sorry, it slipped.
Yes I signed up, and yes I paid my dues, and yes I weighed in.... oink oink oink.....
I have to lose 13lbs over the next 10 weeks. If any of you want to do the math to find out how much I weigh, go for it, but prepare yourself. You may never be the same.
So, I have to lose 1.3lbs per week for the next ten weeks, and guess what... you're in for a treat... you get to hear all about it!! Stop back soon to hear me whine, complain, bitch, and gripe my way through the next ten weeks!!
A photo just for fun.... This is from the batch of family photos taken by the fabulous Gabriel Ryan!! Yes, I photoshopped my leg, don't hate.
photo credit :: gabriel ryan photographers